its hard...and espically when i start detaching from everything it becomes even harder
when i detach from everything i see everything i notice all the small actions i notice and recall what people have been doing
wheni detach i dont feel empathy i dont feel sysmathy i dont feel anything
all the emtions are bouncing off me
i can't even pretend to feel anything
cos like whats the point its going to be fake anyway
and when i detach and see everything
i keep discounting it or
i can't tell anyone about it
cos no one would understand what i see

you know i sldnt care what others think about what im thinking even if it hurts them its what i feel...so maybe i sld just blog everything out..so then its ur problem for reading it...consiering i can't talk to anyone...

like for example i can't talk to steph oh why cos shes always hiding in her room and its like she is able to do her own stuff run her own race and not care about anyone elses and sometimes i wonder ifshe would understand too and what if the issue is about her....

i can't tlk to my shepherd oh why cos well lots of reasons...and i guess the main one is that no matter how much i try to open up i dont want to and i know i can't tell her whatever i want to say and what not also i sense this reaction from her which makes me shut down even more sometimes so i odnt even broach the subjects which i know wld produce those reactions and some of the things i want ot say can't be said and well i dont think we are on the same wave lwngths sometimes i think she is more on stephs so yah....and i guess it takes time

then there is elsa...what if the issue is about her again and like i odnt know lah....she sometimes pisses me off and we are just so on different wave lengths and i still need to change my perception on some stuff first the church is also pushing her hard and sometimes i have to wonder about is it a good idea but its not like i can do anytihng about it.....

then there is miin huey...tell her almost everything and yet at the same time apprently im keeping stuff from her and what not and sometimes we need space form each other cos we can be really bad for each other =) and sometimes i can;t tell her stuff too basically miin is the only one i think i can talk to about most stuff then come ben prob much to his horror...but for then need to be caeful where i leave my mess around...and i dont know lah....

and oh yah....takea hard look at urself and scroll through ur phonebook...is there anyone who u can call up and talk about just notihng under the sun?welll for me its just miin heuy...

i can't call henry why ...cos hes busy trying to keep stuff from me and not tell me anything...and like the effort i put in its sometimes not even returned...so like i wonder why i even bother to try to b frinedly...cos im very sure that if i dont bother at all none of them wld even bother to find out howam i...i cldhave died and they wldn't know atall....

like allen....allen has his gf alison here...sosaid and done....then everybody thinks im blind dense and what not....i mean come on if u want the bloody transport job say so dont come and give me some crap about it....i need to bounce ideas of people so i basically need someone to jst sit there and listen to me while i figure it out....

and well yah....basically i relised something...people are growing at the expense of others....like the church is pushing one very hard but neglecting the other...then like people are all 'campainging' for the same places...and tryinh to limti another persons growth so that they themselves can grow into that area...whatever okay

then like i dont know lah...ssometimes i watch look and see and i sometimes wonder why is that person doing it and ishe/she doing it for god or is he/she doing it cos it wld get him/her recognisation like do u see anybody queueing up to do the jod of sunday school teacher? no right...and its not only cos fo the kids and how much energy u wld need its also cos like you almmost get no recignition the pple in the service dont notice you but what if the job did? i tell you there wouldbe people fighting to serve in that area...

then there is joe...joe does not respect me and well he already has so much problems himself....why no respect for me well itscos i apprently have to much problemsof my own.....and i can;t seemto dealwith it...okat loh....not like i can change the way pple think....and well we can be friends and everything but whether i can tlk to him is another issue entierly..and if he can;t accept the fact that im insecure and everything then its too bad for him cos thats my struggle ive accepted the weaknesses about him and if cant accept mine and accomodate it then.....

then there is michael....well basically elsa is getting shit...i know whats happeneing and this is bad......well yah michael is basically getting on mynerves its like when i want to get him t do something for me i got to beg him and keep bugging him to do it and when he does it its like hes not happy to do it like what the heck.....like you can do all the stupid little thing for elsa like she can;t do it herself like that and then when i ask you u give me shit whatever okay

then there is nick......and well......i shall just leave it as that....cos if i say anymore i wld only gett myself into trouble and i think ive saidn enough

then there is the resstof ccm which im trying to get to know and failing like crazy.....then there is thefact that im anti scoial and everything isnt helping cos i reallly really hate tryingt o be nice and everytinhg

then there is the fact that im deatching myslef to the point that im starting to wonder why on earth am i even sitting in the position im in now...like there are so many other people out there who is better and much more caperable then me nicer then me better equiped for the role demanded frommethen me andlike i sld just give up and fade away as everybody is one either trying to take my place or two is much better at doing something...and more peopleactually respectthem and like why sld i even bother to do anything anymore...like seriously....

for example...like when i pick up a muscialinstrument or start messing around with one....everyone suddenly start fighting to play it and have thier turn....or either that before i can even reach one someone else is playing it and everyone else is fighting for their turn for example...the guitar everyone wants to learn how to play it and so like i dont get a chance too even touch it cos like everyone else is clomouring for it and getting people to teach them or wanting to practice their guitar skills...
or another example if u think im insane...when i start fooling around with the keyboard then like erm someone wld bound to go let me play let me play and okay loh want can i say...nothing...then like the drums...first it was steph now its elsa and whoever wants to fool around with it an believe me there is plenty....and well lets see the only time i actually touched the keyboard or tthe guitar or the drums was when no one else wanted to learn it was around or no one wanted to fool around with it cos they can all either already play the instruments or they werent there in the first place.....

and oh its there is so many paragraphs for better rwadbility why o i want you to read this post is beyond m but yes that the way im feeling how i feel and well

if i have notihng to say
i wont open my mouth
if i have something to say
i still wont open my mouth
even if it kills me

and you know something after this post if u hate me forever i dont care... just tell me u hate me in my face and well i wldjust dissolve for a while and just pretend nothing has happened.....and believe me i had 10 years of practise i may be abit rusty but i will function....cos then that wld mean i wont need to care and bother anymore