okay fine...finally...letssee 1. like i dont know lah....ahhhhhhhh....so many things.....idont know... okay first i was standing there chopping orange upwhen it occured to me the church u can actually learn alot of life lessons from it like not the major ones butthe smaller ones like cooking for church actually teaches u how to chop and cut stuff and do the most basic of cooking stuff...then sunday school teaches u some of the kills u need to use when u have kids and actually lets u figure out if u want kids...haha....like how todesciplne them and everything....so yah...then like in sermons.....dunno lah...like when u lsiten and take notes it helps u practise for ur lectrues and to erm unfortunetly listen while u are sleeping...heehee....or is it fortunetly...not idea lah....but yes...like the little little things...

2. then the second one is well....i just realised something......not just but yah...like its been wat everyone has been telling me but i refuse to believe.....like i have an inquestive mind and i odnt know lah i suddenly have this deep deiser to know more stuff but like im not being streached and well yah like serving in church and ccm....i dont know not streched but do i want to be int he first place am i ready..or is it like i see everyone around me suddenly growing and well seriously i can be very detached from it and observe this kind of stuff suddenly i odnt know why like insane madness....im notcing such stuff usually i won't care....and its drinving me insaneand oh we were talking during dinner then god only knows how on earth it conversation ended up on pastors wives and then we were like oh elsa sure thing or almost sure thing become pastors wife loh and look at the number of opportunities which she is getting....so wld almost be sure...hahahai dont know lah...its either me being envous of the numbe rof opportunities others are getting or no idea....i guess idont feel like im learning something new...like word for life...i almot died...okay its not like i can't learn anything from paul but i went thourgh the lesson before its not telling me anytihng new....i dont know lah...during the holelesson i was like michellepay attention like u still can learn something from paul and its done in a different way form ur shepherding lessons and that i sldnt think that i can;t learn anything but yah lah....and like everyone is learning something new around me and i guess its expectation also where like i expect it happening to me.....the time i actually enjoy the most is well when im growing..not growing but doing something new i guess everyone enjoys doing something new......oh goodness...i dont know lah....envy involved cos im not growing??but im pretty sure i am....so i odnt know..and like thats art a then part b....i dont know...like am i trying to hard to fit in....like after we did the bloody questionaire i still havent found anybody who has the same highest thing as me and like what is happening me is scaring me slightly cos i dont really know what to expect and everytinhg....like iguess thats why its kinda impt to me to find someone in ccm who actually has the same thing at least i feel understooded or what i mean its good to be special okay unique and everything but sometimes being alone is no fun and well...i guess thats why god like gave me her and gave her me(ego) to keep each other company when no one else can stand us (poor joe) cos like our struggles are about the same but not the same at the same time and wel yah..like that way...cos like right now if i say something like oh god toldme so i feel its like stupid to say and like no one wld believeme cos like eveyone wld think imjoking and well sometimes well im not surpirsed at the news i get because the tohught actually crossed my mind before and im suddenly notcing stuff and almost everything about everyone when im in contact with them....and like i have no one to share this with cos like one there is no way i can share it with *censored* cos well yah and two (insert whatever name here) not really cos like it wld affect (whoever u instrted)and (whoever u inserted) won't know how to handle it and well 3rdly *totally and utterly censored*....then like my shepherd i also dont know i seriously think i may need to chnage my lesson time cos like i dont seem to be functining really well then...but i like the after prayer meeting go to helens place then have lesson so its like the wind down from prayer meeting and i dont know lah...

3. shepherding lessons...*censored* then like my qt totally uninspired and bleagh i wld rather do my own but like i know that the question and everything is suppose to help and yah....reading one chapter a day without writing out the questions is slowly killing my interest and my brain from actually thinking *some more stuff cut out*

*even more sensitive stuff of which if it was revealed my head would go rolling into torrens river*
is (insert name here)growing in character i dont know(insert name here) leading (intert name here) may end up being even be better then me then others bibleknowledge wow...and well sometime i wonder why am i even going to be leading i sld just be sitting down and minding my own busniess they seem to have i more together then i do..... okay this sucks......... then u have people like erm *censored* learn from mistake dont leavemy mess everywhere leave it in certian places only and well i dont know lah *more censored stff about what i think of others or at leastmy opinion*...and well i dont know like *insert name* and *name*....happy sad?no idea.....but i guess like god answersmy prayers but i dont feel trille dor anytihng about it like i used too...cos to me it suddenly seems like itslike a natural progression and well maybe cos i havent been praying hard for it maybe like once or twice and i move on and pray about different stuff cos i forget about it or like i dont bther about it and well there is a there now pressing need....and speaking of prayer my prayer life...sucks i dont know how to explain it.....like im just praying not feleing anyithng.....i dont know lah..and like i just suddenly want to hide under god ...and not let go andwell sometimesi guess i finally understand how that person feels when we were sharing about our fears then i remind myself thast i can't hold on to god in my own strenght and i have to do it thourgh jesus and with he help and to give up everything to him and well i dont know...then i relaise how muhc im relying on my own strenght throug out the day and well forget that god is there always eveywhere....there was a point whne i first started out wher eit was easy to remember now no matter how much i can;t seem to remember that i dont nkow if its cos its second nature to me already or its i forget and rely on my own strength again.....no idea.....so yah...like seriously im going insane withthe amount ofthoughts running through my head oh and then there are pple out there who makes u wonder why u even bothered to int he first place and i know im like that with ben(nameis so not censored dont really need to hide the thought cos its a fact...wahaha) i make him wonder hee hee but still he can tell me and i dont know its just idfferent....but some others itsrealy why did i even bother... well today was pretty interesting...i was on the verge of going into full blown whiney mode where peolpe are better off staying away from em and me needing just one person to sit ther and listen and go uh huh yes michelle like how close i was whing about needing to whine...not full blown but almostslipping off the edge and i wanted to throw ahuge tantrum...i think not whining complaining and throwing a tantrum for so long is starting to pile up and needing to ifnd a relase maybe thats what i need to give to god i really can;t rmemeber what i need to give up i know why cldnt tell me what it was cos its something very abstract and not concrete cos like it occured to me when i was sitting down somewhere...i guess it the control give it up to god and all things will comei guess...oh yah...reason why no sound when im spaking in tounges so that like cos helen said everytihng insdie me is going heywired and thislittlepart of me is scared and everything andwell i guess like not putting sounds to it i can control at least one part of it and well its the oonly way im going to be speaking in tougnes and when i fele like putting a sound to it iproduce it...i guess that its.....okay i know it sounds stupidand everything but hey i dont expect anyof u to actually sit downa nd read it...haha...but yes this is what i chose to share with pple who actually read it the whole enitre post well lets just say its for me....