u want to know that the most ironic thing of this whole entire thing is...

i didnt go looking for it as a usually do...in fact come to think of it....i was trying my damest to avoid it......
not asking
not wanting to know
not finding
not looking
not thinking
not feeling
trying to stay out of the way

but somehow it found me................

and now it seems like no matter what i do/handle it....
its not going to be enough
its not going to be good enough
its not going to give u want u want
its not going to keep people happy
people are going to comment on it


you know it feels like i ment to not have an feelings towards it/anything
have no emotions to what you say
what you tell me.......
not be affected by it

and somehow what u said to me i know somewhere deep in my heat it didnt come from you
it came from someone else...

the line which was once so clear to me
overtime has somehow be made blur
it was so clear cut it was this side and a clift on the other side
than it started...i kept pushing that line
now the line has blurred
and i no long know where i stand
or even where the line is anymore


but what worries me most of all
is on what side of the line do i actualy land up on
would i land up on the wrong side of it
would i land up on the right side of it
and would i be happy or sad about it


but than i remember that whatever happens its all in Gods will and on whatever side i land up on shouldnt matter cos He loves me and He has the best interest on His mind and heart.....

even though im going through this now
feeling the exact same way everyday
having this constant ache which i dont notice anymore
but it still hurts

but what to do
life stil goes on
pretending everything is alright
pretending everything is fine
putting on masks...
trying my best to worship God
espically when it seems to be the most impossible
when i have no strength to
when its too painful to...

and to top it off...
i dont want/cant seem to be able to bring myself to talk about any of it to anyone...
even when they ask
even when i know they are worried
even when i know they would listen
even when they are there just waiting for me to tell them.....