Stumbled over this on Jia's frined's blog while i was distracting myslef from my stupid accounting assingment............and well what is i?? they are accounting jokes......irony of ironies..
Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realizes that he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: What are the three kinds of accountants in the world?
A: Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.
Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
A: "Darling, tell me about your work."
Q: When the accountant laughs loud?
A: When some one asks for a raise.
Q: What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
A: My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
The accountant's prayer:
Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
What would Economics be without assumptions?
Accounting
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
This is a true story.
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."
Accountant's Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.
Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts - © David Letterman.
10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, "Give or take a million dollars."
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry - that’s a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call "Una-countant."
1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ..........
and finally
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager.
He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "How much is two and two?"The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two"The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.The last applicant was an accountant. When the businessman asked him the question, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Then, he leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
